Rebuilding myself as a writer: I’ve been thinking. And yes, it hurt a lot.

I’ve been quiet lately. Silence can be powerful, especially when you’re having a conversation and you want the other person to spill the beans. But with social media, silence will get you nowhere.

I’ve been rebuilding myself. And out of all the reconstructions, I would say this has been the most painful: I’ve never felt reverberations like this. The good news is that I’m back with a sturdier structure. So, next time there’s a tremor, it’s going to take more than people’s opinions to bring me down. I’ll also be able to take a lot more on without cracking.

I’ve been thinking. Looking at what’s hot and what’s on peoples wishlists makes me realise that no one will be hunting my MS. But do you write a book that everyone is after? Or can you transcend tropes and cliches and a glutted market if you write what you’ve always believed in?  You know what’s hot to me now? My book. Always will be, or I don’t think I’d bother selling it. Would an agent want a book that wouldn’t sell? No, and neither would I.

I’ve been going crazy. Wait a year? Write a new book? Start with a great hook and then write a book? By hook or freakin’ crook, just sell this book! You know I’m losing it when I go all Dr Seuss on you.. I’m going in circles, chasing a tail that will forever be out of reach. But crazy is what makes my book what it is. And there are other crazy people out there. And when I reach them with my writing, I hope they feel as though I’ve always been there. You don’t have to wear black, read books and loan friends to feel different. There’s a cliche right there that I want to break.

I’ve been learning. I’ve always stayed true to myself and haven’t felt the need to conform. But now I’m looking at this book and feeling like I shouldn’t stay away from new adult just because my book isn’t racy. I’m going to embrace what I was passionate about in the first place when I wasn’t trying to fit in a box, and I will make it work this way because I will have my passion behind it. And am I jumping on the new adult bandwagon? Nope. And if Mae isn’t jumping anyone, will that mean it won’t sell?

I don’t know, but I hear people wanting books that break through boundaries, not conform to them.

And I want to be that person.

 

 

 

Too anxious to succeed?

Pushing yourself to do something you aren’t used to – are you anxious, nervous, frightened or my personal favourite – comfortable?

Whichever way you spin it, you don’t want to do it.

There’s a reason it’s called a comfort zone. Generally any concept palatable for the greater good is well received. I mean, it’s win-win. If I’m comfortable, you’re comfortable. You leave me be here, I let you leave with your eyes attached to your face: win-win.

I’ve never really connected with the cowardly lion from Wizard of Oz. He was always my least favourite.  Maybe it’s because people don’t like to be up close and personal with those that remind them of themselves? Maybe it’s the curls? I certainly didn’t like his voice. Mine? Much more growly and assured – but certainly as whiny. And at the moment, with my writing future up in the air, I’m the Fizzer from Oz. So, I’m dramatic; I always have been. Hear me roar!

Now see me cower. I knew it would always come to this. It would be way too easy to be able to sit here in my butt-grooved seat to continue my career. And if it’s too easy, generally you still have something to learn.

I don’t know if I have it in me to make myself physically visible to the literary industry: writing conferences, writing groups, seminars, festivals – pitching to people’s faces! Are they interested in marketing the contents of my stomach? I think not, so I’ll abstain for now. And if you think that means that I don’t deserve to have a writing career? I don’t have the drive to succeed in this industry? I’m too anxious to succeed? Then I say, ‘Thank you. You can leave with your eyes attached.’

But I am going to try. Baby steps. I’m going to attend a local writer’s seminar, closely followed by a marathon run from the room afterwards in case I have to talk to people. Fitness and writing. I did tell you there was a correlation a few blogs ago – and I do like to be right.

I shall leave you with a clip from one of the best comedies from the nineties ‘What About Bob.’

Baby steps to the garage door.

Baby steps to the car.

Baby steps from the car to the seminar.

Hulking, hurried strides from the seminar to the car